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27 July, 2016

2013 is the year of the snake, of which there are several different types. The wood snake, kind and sociable. The fire snake, wise but loud. The earth snake, relaxed and conversational. The metal snake, willful, possessive and selfish. The water snake, insightful and more than a little bit pushy. Sneaky snake from Wanderly Wagon, a glove puppet from an 80's kids TV show and of course there are always Irish politicians. If you were born in 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989 or 2001 then this is going to be your year.

 

Aires

Your pioneering nature leads you to your local BMW dealership where you take the new air cooled GS 1200 out for a test ride. Unfortunately your courageousness is tempered with recklessness and you decide to do a bit of light off roading on the shops demonstrator. In spite of the road being a mud bath you still manage to drop it on the biggest, sharpest rock on the mountain. Things continue to improve as you realise that you've pierced the right hand side radiator which is now leaking a weird silver liquid like some sort of stabbed terminator. Happy new year Aires.

 

Taurus

It just wasn't enough for you to buy a Kawasaki ZX10, a set of green leathers, a green lid, green gloves and green boots, you had to buy into that awful energy drink. Four cans of the stuff, an accelerated heartbeat and 190 bhp later you find yourself leaving the pursuing Gardai for dust on the M8. Just as you come to the Watergrasshill exit you're dismayed to see that the road has been blocked by their colleagues. As you kick down through the gearbox you can't help but notice that the future isn't green. It is indeed blue. And it keeps flashing.

 

Gemini

Gemini, why is it that your star sign sounds like a vacuum cleaner brand name? Can't laugh or joke you're way out of that one can you? You disgust me. Get your bike serviced. You're going to need your brakes soon.

 

Cancer

Sensitive and nurturing, you can't help but feel compelled to make the morning commute a more caring event. It does become somewhat irritating when every non indicating car driver, u turning van and light breaking cyclist simply ignore your pleas for them to be more considerate road users. Putting a digital video camera on your helmet and posting the videos on YouTube feeds your need to manipulate and control others. That is right up to the point where you meet an angry Eastern European truck driver with a hessian sack and an empty trailer. Couldn't just let things be, could you?

 

Leo

Taken in by the colour choice offered by clothing manufacturers thanks to the latest developments in Hi Vis technology you commission your self a new two piece fabric suit with a dazzling array of colours. Somehow you manage to look less cutting edge and more like an extra from one of those shows at Cork on Ice.

 

Virgo

Dismayed to find that the Gardai no longer run Bikesafe you decide to fill the gap. By offering rider assessments of your own. While on the way to meet your first client you're rear ended by a young woman in a Twingo while you’re stopped at the lights. Sadly for you, your V-Strom and your batenburg stickered panniers she panics and stamps on the accelerator instead of the brake. At least you don't own a V-Strom any more.

 

Libra

Christmas is over now Libra and it's time to get back to work. You haven’t been on your bike for over a week. You'd saved money by making your own battery regulator out of a three prong plug, some old electrical cable and a pair of paper clips. Remarkably enough nothing has gone on fire but the current has generated enough heat to melt through the subframe of your Dauville. It looks like you'll be building that one off NTV special sooner than you think...

 

Scorpio

The weather breaks and you organise a breakfast run. Leading a group of riders on your FJR1300 through a small town you take advantage of the empty streets to 'pick up the pace'. This goes well until you round a bend and meet an approaching heard of cattle. The manageress of the towns adjacent Centra store is in for a very big surprise.

 

Sagittarius

Determined not to be beaten at this years drag races you decide to take in a little practice. In an effort to become more aerodynamic you cover the nose cone of your Panigale in frytex. While burning out your tyre on the start line the vibrations cause the dripping to fall onto the ground under your tyres. When you let the clutch out you soon realise that while you may not get further than your competition no one else is going to get their bike as high off the ground. If only there was a prize for that...

 

 

 

Capricorn

Your self righteousness, inflexibility and stubbornness sees you becoming frustrated with motorcycling to such a degree that you actually sell your Sportster and buy a pushbike. You then spend the rest of the year riding three abreast with the rest of your skinny, Lycra clad buddies on narrow single carriageway roads and breaking red lights.

 

Aquarius

Your lack of tact, aloofness and downright rudeness ensure that you will spend yet another month riding alone. You have no one to blame but yourself.

 

Pisces

Unfortunately Pisces, you appear to have the memory of a goldfish, and you've forgotten about your recent jet ski mishap. With the Atlantic ocean boiling with winter storms you decide, after watching nineties movie 'Point Break' one time too many, to take up surfing. You purchase an overpriced surfboard and strap it to the side of your KTM 690 before heading up the M1 and on to Donegal. Its all going well for you until you get caught in a crosswind at the Balbriggan exit, blown up the off ramp and crash into the car park of the City North Hotel. Brings new meaning to sitting on your ass watching your bike surf across the tarmac?

 

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